What About Your Child's Voice?

What about your child?  How do you keep the focus on your child when going through divorce?  Children, in many cases, are left without having a voice when it comes to divorce.  Instead of being part of the family where decisions are made together, children are left out. They commonly have no voice in the dissolution of their family, feeling powerless to help shape their future when it comes to co-parenting decisions. 

Below are 5 ways you can honor your child's voice.

      

1. When headed for divorce, you should come together with your child to tell him or her that you will always love them unconditionally.  Make sure to communicate that you will always be there, no matter what. Children need to verbally hear these two expressions on a regular basis, as well as see it through your actions.  Keep in mind that your child is feeling a great loss of security, even abandonment. Give your child the opportunity to respond, and do your part to listen closely in return. Be mindful that trust has been lost. Work to rebuild it with your child. 

 2. Ask your child how she or he feels about the divorce. Respectfully listen to what is said. A child’s voice is just as important as an adult’s voice.  He or she needs to know you are hearing what is being said. It may be painful for you, but communicating, giving your child opportunities to share how she or he is feeling are critical for you all. It is not about you, it is about your child’s well-being.

 3. Seek professional counseling with your child.  Having a third party that listens and gives advice in neutral territory for the benefit of every family member is needed. Going to counseling together will show your child that you genuinely care. It will positively reinforce to your child that he or she does have a voice!

 4. With custody and co-parenting decisions being made, think realistically about what will be best for your child.  Remember it is not about you, it is about your child.  Which one of you has been the main 24/7 parent there with your child? Which one of you is working outside of the home the majority of the time? Being realistic, and accepting what is best for your child is critical.

 5. Accommodate and respect your child’s daily life, schooling, extracurricular activities, sports teams, dance lessons, scouting activities, etc. Your child needs to know you are there to respect and support what he or she does day in and day out.  Change your visitation schedule if your child has a big scouting trip, a baseball game or dance recital.  Don’t make them miss their important shining moments. Show them they matter, be there to cheer them on! Be supportive as your child develops his or her own talents. 

Children need security, unconditional love and respect from their parents. Listening, and hearing children's voices is paramount to their ability to gain confidence, knowing what they think, how they feel and what they wish to do with their life matters. You will reap many rewards down the road, as well. A positive, trustworthy relationship with your child will be the result, because you chose to honor your child's voice.  As your child becomes an adult, he or she will have confidence in knowing that what they say, how they feel and what they do with their life does matter. What a difference you will make by honoring your own child's voice! 

 The Power of Pets 

I loved our pet dog, Shadow! He was our sweet golden retriever who seriously thought he was human. We brought Shadow home as a six week old puppy, only four months before my own divorce began. 

My sons, and I can tell you that Shadow was our best friend throughout those tough years. He loved us all unconditionally. Shadow was always there for us!

   

You can see why this article about the true power of pets during separation and divorce touched my heart, literally. I hope it will touch your heart, as well. 

Please share your comments, too!

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How the human-animal bond can help you survive your separation and divorce.

 

By Jane Nahirny

When Angela separated from Tom, her husband of ten years, she hoped the situation would be temporary. She rented an apartment, while Tom and their nine-year-old cat remained in the couple's home. As weeks turned into months, with no reconciliation in sight, she began to exhibit all of the classic signs of depression. "I had crying jags in the morning before I went to work, I couldn't sleep, and I was gradually withdrawing from family and friends," she remembers. "Basically, I lost my zest for living." 

Then a colleague at work mentioned that her neighbor had kittens for sale. "I went to have a look, and I fell in love with two of them," she says. Three weeks later, the kittens were hers, and within days, her depression had started to lift. "Suddenly, there was someone to welcome me home at the end of a long day, someone to laugh with, someone to care for again...They were a great, drug-free solution to my depression -- kind of 'pet Prozac,' actually," she smiles. 

Angela's story is far from unique. Numerous studies over the past 20 years have documented the positive power of pets on both our mental and physical health. A 1993 report in the Harvard Health Letter highlights some of these benefits: lower blood pressure, heart rate, and anxiety levels. The report also points to the fact that companion animals have more consistent behavior than their human counterparts. In other words, they offer their owners a genuine sense of unconditional love. 

Unlike well-meaning friends and family, who often choose sides and offer "helpful" unsolicited advice to individuals who are in the throes of separation and divorce, animals are non-judgmental. "If you have the best day you've ever had, your dog will be there for you 100%," says Eric Cline, Canadian director of the Grief Recovery Institute. "Conversely, if you've just had the worst day you've ever had, your pet will still be there. Better still -- they're intuitive. They seem to know immediately when you've had a rotten day." 

While there have been no studies that specifically deal with the role of pets during divorce, an experimental study conducted by Karen Allen, Ph.D., would seem to indicate that dogs can play a major role in guiding us safely through rocky periods in our lives. Allen, a researcher at the School of Medical & Biological Sciences, State of New York University at Buffalo, asked a group of women (admittedly, all self-described dog-lovers) to relate how dogs had influenced their lives. 

All of the participants mentioned ways in which they believed their pets had assisted them through events involving change or transition, including divorce and death of a spouse. "Several women in this group offered numerous examples of how their dogs provided a unique kind of support in times of divorce, in situations with co-workers, and in events involving illness," Allen reports. "A recurring theme was the use of imagery of the dog in times of high stress, and there were consistent reports that when the dog was imagined, obstacles appeared less daunting and difficult tasks more possible." 

Simply put, animals provide an emotional anchor for individuals who have sailed into troubled waters. "They give people something to focus on other than themselves," explains Carolyn Clark, director of HABAC (the Human-Animal Bond Association of Canada). Pets also make you feel needed. "When you're feeling depressed, you may want to just stay in bed and pull the covers over your head," she says. "But if you have a dog, for instance, you know that it needs to be fed and walked. So there's some sense of stability and continuity there...there's someone who needs your care."

That sense of stability was a real lifesaver for Angela. Today, she is reunited with her husband, and she, Tom, and the three cats live together under one roof. "We don't have children, so it's like our own version of a blended family," she laughs. Then turning more serious, she says: "I'll always be grateful to my two cats for helping to pull me through a very difficult time."

Channeling the power of pets

If animals have always been a part of your life, that continuity is probably going to be very helpful to you as you work through your situation, says Clark. "Everything else may be going to pieces, but animals provide a common thread, a structure, a routine that has to be followed." Beyond the "chore" of caring for a pet, just being with an animal -- sharing an evening walk with your dog or having a conversation with your cat -- can be calming and meditative. 

For Fiona, spending time with her horse is a form of meditation. "Sometimes, when I've had a really rotten day, I'll head up to the barn and just brush Bailey," she says. It's very 'Zen' -- those repetitive movements and patterns -- and you can feel waves of pleasure radiating from the animal." It takes about an hour to thoroughly groom a horse, she says, so by the time Bailey is gleaming, Fiona is feeling peaceful and happy. "Riding is another great stress-buster," she adds. "Galloping across a grassy field blows off a lot of steam for both of us, and meandering along a forest path is immensely relaxing. All thoughts and worries disappear while I'm riding." 

Fiona found comfort in the horse world during her parents' divorce (she was 14 at the time). "We didn't have much money, so I worked at barns in exchange for riding," she says. "Then the stable owner more-or-less gave me Bailey, and I worked in exchange for board." Paying for the upkeep of a horse while going to school was a huge responsibility for the teen, but she was happy to face the challenge. "It has been totally worth it," she says. "Bailey has gotten me through some very tough times."

Bailey and Fiona have been a team for more than a decade now,and they seem exquisitely tuned to each other's moods. "Horses are very empathic," asserts Fiona. "They pick up and then act on your moods -- which is why it's so important to remain calm while you're riding or grooming. For me, riding is a perfect combination of meditation and exercise."

Pets and kids

As Fiona discovered, companion animals can also help ease a child's passage through divorce. According to the Delta Society, an international resource for the human-animal bond, pets appear to "lessen the loneliness that occurs when children provide their own self care, and children with a strong pet bond score higher on empathy for other children than do children without pets. 

This may have significant implications for the future -- if these children can reach adulthood and retain their empathy, they may have an easier time coexisting with others, and be less apt to suffer from loneliness." 

Chris was thirteen when his parents separated. "After Mom and Dad told me they were splitting up, I remember thinking that I was now the'man of the house' and had to take care of my Mom and little sister Claire," he says. "I had been brought up to think that 'real' men didn't cry, so I resolved not to cry in front of my 'womenfolk.' Luckily, I had Max -- the most wonderful Golden Retriever -- to lean on." 

Chris says he used go up to his room when he needed to cry, wrap his arms around Max, and sob his grief and fear into Max's fluffy neck. "He really saved me," remembers Chris. "He always seemed so sympathetic, non-judgmental, and loving -- he'd just lick away my tears and stay with me as long as I needed him." 

Chris would also take Max for long runs when the teenager needed a physical outlet for emotional distress. "Racing through the ravines near my house was a lot better than putting my fist through the wall -- which I really wanted to do some days."

Would you make a good "pet parent"?

But experts warn against rushing into pet ownership -- especially first-time pet ownership -- during the early stages of grief recovery. "Bringing an animal into the home at this stage could add more stress to your life," cautions Marilyn Clark. "You might over-project onto the animal, and become too involved with it. There's a risk that the animal might be expected to take on all of your emotional needs. This wouldn't be fair to the animal, or healthy for you."

Eric Cline agrees. "While we try not to be judgmental in our approach, we recommend that people address their grief first and foremost. We tell them,'Let's get you into a recovery program first, then you'll be able to make the right choice about which pet is right for you.'"

The good news is that there are many ways you can interact with a pet without becoming a pet owner. (And we don't mean flying to Miami to swim with the dolphins.) Here are a few suggestions:

• Volunteer at your local animal shelter or clinic.
• Ask around your neighborhood and see if anyone needs help with walking their dog.
• Pet-sit for friends and family. It's a great way to find out what you like or dislike about a particular type or breed of companion animal.
• Go to the zoo. Volunteer to take a group of school children on a day-trip, or just make a visit by yourself. Take a loaded camera, and get ready to have some fun.
• Put out a bird feeder. It may seem simplistic, but it's a great way to start bonding with animals, suggests Clark.
• Visit www.ralstonpurina.com on the Internet. The pet-food maker's site offers a fun and informative "Interactive Breed Selector Quiz" (under "Dogs"), which can help you choose the right breed based on size, activity, temperament, coat, etc.

Then, once you're ready to commit to a pet, ask yourself the following questions:

1. If you're renting, does your building allow pets? What types?
2. Is your living situation permanent, or is it likely to change in the near future?
3. How much time do you have to devote to a pet? Different animals require different levels of attachment and responses, says Clark. A dog may be more demanding emotionally than a cat, while dogs and cats are obviously more demanding than, say, fish.
4. How fastidious are you as a housekeeper? Will dog- or cat-hair be a problem for you? Will allergies be a problem?
5. How will your children, if any, react to a pet in your life?
6. Are you willing and able to commit yourself to caring for a companion animal for the next 10-15 years?

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            THE SINGLE MOM'S SURVIVAL GUIDE

Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers! 

I hope it was a beautiful day, full of love and gratitude for all you do for your children and families.  

Here's to learning something new from all the good points outlined below, helping us become even better parents than we already are. 

Love you to share your comments and insight!

                    The Single Parent's Primer

Some hints, tips, and advice to help you face the challenges of parenting without a partner. 

Survival Strategies

• Let go of the need to be a perfect parent, immediately.
• Once a week, get a baby-sitter. Do a trade with another parent, whatever, and go out alone or on a date or with friends. (You need it. You deserve it. Do it!)
• Make lists. Pay bills on time. Return phone calls. Stay organized, then it won't all seem so overwhelming.
• Develop a support system. Make this a big priority. Make friends. You need others, and, yes, they need you too.
• Be easy with yourself and everything will be okay. Trust me, you'll get through it. 
• Use the phone or go outside whenever you are feeling lonely and isolated. Reach out to people. You are not alone unless you choose to keep yourself that way.
• If, after trying therapy, depression or anxiety are really getting the best of you and nothing else seems to work, consider asking your doctor for medication. Read my lips: "There is no shame in getting help to make you feel better." Do not for a moment believe you are weak if you decide you need this. It can really work wonders.
• Do not, however, overuse drugs or alcohol as your survival mechanisms. Believe me, it will only make things feel worse in the long run -- much worse.
• Lastly, look for the light. No matter how dark the tunnel may often appear, the light is there. Find it.
• Oh, and watch for those mean, yucky, little gremlins that hang out in your mind sometimes. Just tell 'em to get lost.

No Room for Misery Makers 

It's okay to have friendships where you spend time commiserating with one another. In fact, it's downright necessary, and can be a lot of fun. 

It is not, however, conducive to your growth or happiness to hang out complaining all the time. Nor is it healthy to have totally negative people around sucking your juice. 

Please pay attention on this one.

It is vital to create good company in our lives, so be around people who:

• Have hopes.
• Have dreams.
• Have goals.
• Have humor.
• Have joy.
• Have some peace.

I'm not saying you have to associate only with Pollyanna types, but if you find yourself with people not willing or interested in moving out of their depths of whining, complaining, misery, and it's bringing you down, kindly dump them and move on. Your own well-being depends on this!

Money Issues
 

I wish I had some brilliant, miraculous answers. I don't. Just some thoughts on what has worked well for me.

I think it's a much better mindset to ask yourself how you can create more money coming into your life rather than asking yourself, "How can I scrimp and save just enough to get by?" Having said that, I won't offer you any budgets or lectures on how to become prosperous. 

Just one tip, though. Ask for the 'single parent discount' wherever you go. If you can get over any embarrassment about this, it's unbelievable how well it works. Not always, but at least 25% of the time, I've gotten breaks on child care, classes, products, services, movies -- you name it. It's fun and, darn it, we deserve it!

If you're entitled to child support, make sure you get it. However, peace of mind is priceless --sometimes it's worth getting a little bit less and not battling night and day with your ex. (Please see "Dealing with the Ex")

Consider sharing a house with other single parents. There are many benefits to this beyond the lower rent or mortgage payment: companionship, extended family, fun for both you and the kids, and a wonderful sense of support.

There's nothing like making it on your own, though, for feeling really strong and independent. Keep reaching higher. Go back to school if that's a desire and an option. I know it seems impossible sometimes, but where there's a will, there's a way. Money can't buy love, but it sure does make things easier. Good luck.

Some Household Hints

• It's your haven. Make it pretty, safe, and warm. This really is do-able. Create a place that feels good to be in, because you're going to be there a lot. Flea markets, garage sales, thrift stores -- all groovy places to get cool stuff. Make it a family project. 
• Keep it organized: dishes washed; the place neat. I'm telling you, this will do wonders for your "craziness" factor.
• If at all possible, once a month line up an inexpensive maid to do the heavy-duty, grunt work. Then, all you have to do is keep it tidy.
• Have house rules. Post them. Make sure the rug rats/teens stick to them. Update as necessary. Give them chores. No ifs, ands, or buts. If they wanna eat, they've gotta pull their own weight. (Kids under two are excused.)
• Keep "their" space and "your" space separate. You absolutely need a place you can retreat to. Keep it beautiful. No toys or crap inside. Get a lock and a "Do Not Disturb" sign.
• If you work a nine-to-five job, try, if at all possible, to get most of your chores and errands done during the week so that your weekends can truly be your time to relax and have fun with your kids.

Thoughts on Child Care
 

You'll need it. Use it. No guilt. Seek out loving people to care for your child. You can find them and it's worth researching. Ask around. Ask lots of questions. Check it out. Be as involved as possible. Look for scholarship help if you need it.

Make the time they spend with you count. This is most precious to children, but they also need outside activities and other kids. 

Preschools, home day-care facilities, camps, after-school programs, etc. provide opportunities for your children where they can feel safe and affection for other caregivers besides you. 

They will also learn independence, social skills, and how to obey other people's rules. Besides, where else can they do all that cool art and music stuff with their pals?

I don't know why people have such a negative slant on child care. I think it's a very positive experience. My son has loved it, and, the truth is, most of the kids are much better adjusted than many stay-at-home children.

Dealing with the Ex
 

If your ex is still involved in your children's lives, I have some very definite suggestions that might help.

I know that your situation is very different, but as long as your ex loves them, is not abusive, intoxicated, or drugged, as long as you feel that your children can be safe with him/her, lighten up and be grateful. 

Kids do need both parents and benefit from your ex's company. I know s/he pisses you off. You think s/he's a slime, a lousy spouse, a pain in the ass -- blah, blah, blah. That's why s/he's an "ex." If s/he were great, let's face it, you'd probably still be together. But s/he gave you your children and s/he really is not a totally bad human being. Move on with your life. 

Stop being at war with your ex. Life is too short and too stressful. You don't want endless battles. And please don't talk badly about him/her in front of your children. It simply isn't fair. S/he is their parent.

Sometimes, just accepting who s/he is will free you up so that you can make positive changes in your own life. When you ease up and stop telling him/her what a shit s/he is, or (just humor me here and give it a try) even try giving in once in a while, you can almost be guaranteed that s/he'll become a much nicer and more workable co-parent. 

Stop having to be right all the time. Instead, choose happiness for all of you and try to get along. Hard as it is (and I know that it is), ask that s/he be blessed. You share your children together. S/he hurts too. Find common ground: move to a new level of communication. This can be done, even in the worst of situations. However, if you or your children are in any kind of danger, get legal help.

I have seen miracles happen when ex-spouses stop treating each other horribly. Do it for yourself. Do it for the kids. Encourage your ex to be part of their lives. Try to heal. Life can be good again. Believe it or not, you may even become allies. You and this person are connected for life, and that's a long, long, long time. How do you want that life to be?

Teaching the Important Stuff
 

No matter how busy you are, please, please, please make the time to teach your children the truly important stuff. Reading, writing, history, and math are only a small part of what they need to learn. Here are some guidelines. Teach them:

• To be kind, loving people.
• To honor their agreements, have integrity, and be responsible for their actions.
• To value life -- their own, other people's, and the lives of all living things.
• To be respectful and tolerant of other people's beliefs, skin colors, body size, disabilities, needs, etc.
• In this day and age, especially when the world can look so bleak to youngsters, let them know there are still many wonderful possibilities, adventures, dreams, and opportunities awaiting them.
• Teach them to have some form of spirituality -- connection to the Earth, to the Universe, to God. Without it, nothing has much true value.
• Of course, teach them that love is still the most important thing of all.

Remember this, too: the best way to
teach has always been by example.
Maybe it's time we all take
our own refresher course?

What Matters Is Love
 

No matter what you read or hear about the ill effects of children raised by single parents, don't buy into it for a second. It is simply unfounded, prejudiced, fundamentalist rhetoric, where the object is to guilt-trip you.

Sure, optimally and in a perfect world, we would have all liked to raise our kids with two wonderful, loving, available parents. And sure, as a result of being single parents, we may not always have as much time, money, or three perfectly balanced hot meals every day as we would have liked.

But you know what? What matters is love. As long as our children are safe, fed, warm, joyful, and grow up knowing we love them unconditionally, they'll be luckier, healthier, and happier than most. Don't be a perfectionist. 

Never let your ideals ever undermine your knowing that your children are doing great. Love them. Love them. Love them. Everything else will fall into place.

Yes, You Are a Family 
 

It's imperative to let your children know that what makes a family a family is love, security, and happiness -- not how many people live under one roof. Just because your family may look different from some of their friends', it is still your family. 

Make sure to befriend other single parents and their children. Make sure that your children have friends from families like yours. Create rituals and special events that they can cherish always and holidays they will remember.

Do things like other families: go camping, take vacations, and go to gatherings. Get together with your extended groups and spread the love. Get creative. Find books that depict positive single-parent homes or make up your own stories. Have fun. A family is such a special creation; enjoy every moment!

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Kathy and Amy Osmond's Q&A First Article in LA Family Magazine

 Announcing Kathy and Amy Osmond's first Q&A article for LA Family Magazine! They've teamed up to bring us their insight, wisdom, knowledge and great background experiences as they answer questions about everything family.

In their first article, Kathy and Amy they take on questions about being an in-law. Yes, something almost all of us can relate to.  We've been on either side of it as mother-in-laws, daughter-in-laws, sister-in-laws. 

Enjoy, please post your comments and own insight.  Let's talk about it!

 http://www.lafamily.com/divorce-custody/qa-kathy-amy-osmond