Your Self-Worth and Healing This Holiday Season

  With the holiday season here I wanted to share the article I wrote for LAFamily and their 5 sister publications this past week. It has to do with healing and reagaining your self-worth post-divorce.  I hope you can gain some helpful insight for your own situation, and remember to take good care of YOU! Make this holiday season happy and joyful for you and your loved ones. I know you can do it! Your comments and thoughts are welcomed.

Post Divorce: Healing and Regaining Your Self-Worth

Healing and rebuilding your self-worth after going through divorce is a definite process. It's not an easy road to travel, and one you don't want to move through too quickly. The key word is "process," which means taking one step at a time. Someone once said, "You can't hurry wellness any more than you can hurry love without failing at both." Taking the time to heal your inner wounds, and rebuilding your self-worth takes courage and real commitment. You are worth it, so take the time to take care of YOU.

Here are some tips to encourage you to heal and rebuild your own self-worth.

Healing open wounds:
Taking the necessary time to heal your open wounds from divorce should be high on your priority list. Accept the fact that it will be a process, not something you can fix overnight. It takes courage for you to call these emotional wounds what they are, "open wounds."  You need to pay close attention to your emotional state.

Next, have the courage to acknowledge the emotions you may be feeling; such as, betrayal, shame, anger, sadness, abandonment, resentment, loneliness, etc. These feelings will not disappear if you choose to ignore them. Instead they'll build up, becoming toxic in your system. Being courageous enough to extricate them from your heart is when healing can begin to take place.

Your identity and self-worth:
Divorce can really throw your self-worth for a loop. So often when we're in an intimate relationship, such as marriage, a large part of our identity and self-worth is tied up in that relationship. When you go through a divorce, the level of being reliant on that other person (your husband or wife) for your own identity becomes obvious very quickly. It's a painful experience, bringing up fears you may have about yourself as an individual and being alone. You may question whether you can trust yourself to make better choices going forward, in terms of dating and possibly remarrying again. Doing the work to rebuild your self-worth as an individual first is critical.

Regaining your self-worth:
Regaining your self-worth after going through divorce is a must in order to heal. The definition of "worth" means to "be good or important enough to justify something, useful." Do you believe you are worthy enough to have relationships that matter to you, and a life that you love? Ask yourself these questions. I hope you answered with an affirmative "yes!"
Don't be afraid of singing your own praises. Acknowledge the positive traits you have as an individual. It's time to do the work to regain your own self-worth, and be comfortable with YOU. YOU have many talents to share with others and contributions to make to society.

At the end of the day it's all YOU:
At the end of the day regaining your self-worth is up to YOU. Choose to value yourself, and begin to love who you are. There are some important steps you can take that are fairly simple, but necessary. Take note of where you are relying on others for your own self-worth. You may still be looking to other family members, friends, your career, colleagues, etc. for validation.

Acknowledge your own talents, and remind yourself that you are worthy of love. Writing in your journal, and posting "positive affirmations" are two ways to help you begin acknowledging your own individual worth. Life is short, so don't wait any longer to begin healing. Be kind to you, and pat yourself on the back when you've accomplished even the little things each day.

Confide in a true friend, letting him or her know you are consciously working on building your self-worth. He or she can cheer you on, giving you added positive reinforcement. Use positive self-talk to verbally tell yourself throughout the day that you are good enough. You are worthy of love and happiness in your own life. Tell yourself each day that you believe in YOU and cheer yourself on. The healing starts with your own inner self-talk and positive thinking.  

In conclusion, having the desire and determination to rebuild your self-worth, and heal after going through divorce takes a lot of courage. It is the best gift you can give yourself and your loved ones. Make the commitment right now to take the time that's needed to heal your open wounds. Healing is a process, so don't hurry through it. Many times in marriage our identity is built into our marriage partnership. When we experience divorce, we have to renew and rebuild our own identity. It takes work, but in the end we learn that we are enough, that we have many talents to develop and share with others, and that we are worthy of love and happiness in our own lives. Take the time to take care of YOU, don't delay!

Written By: Lisa LaBelle  

About the Author:

Lisa has a B.S. degree in Education, working towards her MS degree in Counseling. She's taught for over 25 years. Lisa is a family and child advocate. She's the co-author and co-editor of Hope After Divorce, published by Sourced Media Books. Follow Lisa's blog at http://hopeafterdivorce.blogspot.com, facebook page http://www.facebook.com/hopeafterdivorce and twitter @hopeafterdivorc. She oversees and contributes to www.hopeafterdivorce.net. Lisa is the mother of two grown sons who are her inspiration.

Co-Parenting Through the Holiday Season

Sunday
November 18, 2012

Thanksgiving is upon us, so I wanted to share my co-parenting article with you. I address the tender issue of holiday visitation. It can be a peaceful process or an adversarial experience when co-parenting after divorce. Hopefully my article will give you some helpful tips as you and your children prepare for your holiday visitation schedules. Co-parenting together peacefully should be your goal.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and a Happy Holiday Season!

With Thanksgiving around the corner, it's time to make sure you have your holiday visitation schedule worked out with your ex-spouse. As co-parents you both need to keep your number one focus on your children. They deserve to have a voice when making your holiday plans. It can be done; and you will be wise to listen to their input. Your children need to know that what they hope their holidays will look like matters. Remember to have realistic expectations, and be a team player as you co-parent through the holiday season. Choose to make it the happiest time of the year for you and your children!
Here are some helpful tips to make your holiday planning a little easier and joyful.
Be realistic:
As a co-parent with children (up through age 18), remember to have realistic expectations. The holiday season can be an emotional, pulling-at-the-heartstrings time of the year for both you and your children where divorce has occurred. Take the time before the holidays begin (that means now) to talk with your children about holiday plans for Thanksgiving through New Year's.. Reinforce the reality that the holidays will look different than they used to. Remind your children that it will still be special, and you will be creating new traditions together. Remember to listen to your children's voices. Choose to be realistic, and also be grateful for the special times you will share with your children.
Communicate with your ex-spouse:
Communicating with your ex-spouse to finalize your holiday visitation plans and timeline is critical. It takes careful planning, and time to accommodate and work around one another's holiday plans, extended family gatherings, etc. Be willing to work with your ex-spouse, and show your children that you can work their plans out peacefully. Make it a priority to be a team player with your ex-spouse, so you can both make your children's holiday season special. There is no reason to be adversarial when co-parenting. The consequences of doing so are detrimental to your children's well-being and to your own well-being.
If you cannot communicate with your ex-spouse about holiday plans or visitation for your children, I highly recommend reaching out to a special master for assistance. A special master is an expert who assists adversarial co-parents in learning how to work together for the best interest of their children. Ask your attorney, mediator or counselor for a referral. A special master can be a real life-saver for you, your ex-spouse and your children.
Communicate with your children:
Take time now to sit down with your children, and talk about what they would like their holidays to look like. It is important for you to take their input seriously. Listen carefully to what they tell you, because your children are just as important in your family as you are. Their voices matter, too. Your children deserve to have their wishes, and hopes for their holidays honored by you and your ex-spouse. It is very possible to work out your holiday plans with every family member giving their input, then accommodating where needed, together.
Once you agree on holiday plans with your children, present the plans to your ex-spouse. Next, you and your ex-spouse will need to accommodate one another's plans as needed. It may take a few back and forth conversations or emails with your ex-spouse to finalize plans, but it will be worth it to do so peacefully.
Now for the details:
Once you've finalized holiday plans with your ex-spouse and children, it's time to start anticipating a wonderful holiday season. Start taking care of the details in terms of travel plans (if needed), daily plans for the time you will be spending with your children, special events and gatherings. Make sure your children are included in holiday gatherings with extended family. Usually grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins play a very important role in children's lives. Those relationships need to always be honored by you and your ex-spouse. Now sit back, and begin to enjoy a smooth, well-organized, and joyful holiday season with your children.
When it's time for your children to go spend time with your ex-spouse, be sure to have plans made ahead of time for yourself, as well. You don't want to let the lonely, tugging-at-the-heart-strings feelings set in with your children being away from you. Go do something nice for your extended family, a friend, a neighbor. Make plans to spend time with family and friends. Decide to be grateful for the wonderful holiday season, and the special times you shared with your children; have no regrets!
In conclusion, choose to make this holiday season (and future holiday seasons to come) a joyful one for you and your children. Remember the holidays are meant to be special with times spent together as family and friends. Be sure to make your plans together with your children, because what they wish and hope for matters, too! Take the time to communicate peacefully as a team player with your ex-spouse, keeping your focus on your children. It is very possible to make your holiday plans together, showing respect for one another. If you cannot, then reach out to a special master who will be a life-saver for your family. Remember the importance of extended family gatherings for your children. The holidays are meant to be the happiest time of the year. Choose to make it so for your children, having no regrets! YOU can do it!! It will be your happiest time of  the year, too!

Written By: Lisa LaBelle

About the Author:

Lisa has a B.S. degree in Education, working towards her MS degree in Counseling. She's taught for over 25 years. Lisa is a family and child advocate. She's the co-author and co-editor of Hope After Divorce, published by Sourced Media Books. Follow Lisa's blog at http://hopeafterdivorce.blogspot.com, facebook page http://www.facebook.com/hopeafterdivorce and twitter @hopeafterdivorc. She oversees and contributes to www.hopeafterdivorce.net. Lisa is the mother of two grown sons who are her inspiration.

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Here Comes the Holiday Season

    I'm going to be posting recent articles I've written for LAFamily.com and their sister publications. My focus is on preparing for the holiday season, which is upon us now. Learning how to be a co-parent after going through a divorce can be taxing, frustrating, exhausting and trying. There are no "how to be a good co-parent" courses out there for us to learn from. I'm hoping my advice for the next month and a half will be helpful to you, and give you hope that you can be a good team player and co-parent, keeping your main focus on your children (listen to their voices). 

Here's my first holiday season article, enjoy. I welcome your comments, Happy Holidays to all! 

Here Comes the Holiday Season

The holiday season is a happy time of year for most of us, but it can also be a challenge. For those who are divorced, with or without children, it can be a very lonely time. You have some time to prepare yourself emotionally and mentally for it now. Take the initiative to plan get togethers with family and friends ahead of time. It will help ease the loneliness, and isolation that is all too easily felt during the holidays. Feeling anxious, or depressed during the holiday season is not unusual for those who are divorced and single. Remember you are in charge of how you get through it. You can turn it into a happy time of year by creating new traditions with family and friends.
Here are some tips to help you prepare for the holidays.
Beat the holiday blues ahead of time:
Keep your daily routine regular. Plan to exercise each day, eat a healthy diet through the holidays and get enough sleep. I know, you'll want to splurge in the food department with all the goodies, and holiday meals. Just plan ahead of time to keep it under control, you know what I'm saying. Keep it all in moderation, and plan to enjoy this time of year mentally and emotionally. The mind is so powerful. Remember you are in charge of your thoughts and actions, even when it comes to getting through the holiday season. Take time to have some quiet time each day by going for a walk, meditating, doing some yoga. You'll need to clear your mind each day as you prepare mentally and emotionally to let go of yesterdays holiday traditions. It's time to look forward, and begin new ones with family and friends. Be good to YOU!
You have support out there:
Remember that you have loved ones, and friends who love you. They will be there to support, and help you through the holidays. Do your part to reach out to them, and let them know you need them. Take the initiative to plan get togethers with them, as well. It will lift your spirits if you take time to serve your loved ones, and begin new holiday traditions. Plan ahead, and make time for family and friends who value you. Remember it is okay to say no if you are asked to do more than you can handle by friends and family. You are loved!
Focus on enjoying new traditions:
Don't put undue pressure on yourself over the holidays. You don't want to not acknowledge that this is a tough time. If you have children, you'll most likely be sharing time with them. This means you will be without your children part of the time, which absolutely pulls at your heart strings. Spend quality time with your children, and create new holiday traditions together. Prepare now to plan fun outings with your friends and family, especially during the time you are alone. Take the time now to plan, so you know what to expect. You can create new traditions that will be memorable and cherished times together. It will look different than it did in the past now that you are divorced. It will still be special, because you have made the effort to create a new holiday season for yourself and your children.
In conclusion, the holiday season can be a tough time of the year. For divorced spouses, and single parents, it can feel very lonely and isolating. Be sure to take the time now to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. Acknowledge the challenges that will come with sharing time with your children, and being alone. The sadness that comes with this is deep, so surround yourself with loved ones and dear friends. Let them be there to lift you up. Begin new traditions with your children, and cherish the time you have with them. The holiday season will look different than it did in years gone by. Choose to look forward, and make new memories that you will cherish for years to come. You can plan now to make this holiday season a happy one for you, your family and friends. Take the initiative, and be the one to plan get togethers. Be good to YOU, and surround yourself with those you love! It's up to YOU to make it a beautiful new holiday season!

Written By: Lisa LaBelle More Articles By This Author

About the Author:

Lisa has a B.S. degree in Education, working towards her MS degree in Counseling. She's taught for over 25 years. Lisa is a family and child advocate. She's the co-author and co-editor of Hope After Divorce, published by Sourced Media Books. Follow Lisa's blog at http://hopeafterdivorce.blogspot.com, facebook page http://www.facebook.com/hopeafterdivorce and twitter @hopeafterdivorc. She oversees and contributes to www.hopeafterdivorce.net. Lisa is the mother of two grown sons who are her inspiration.