Co-Parenting and Solutions for Sibling Rivalry

I'd like to share a new article I wrote for LAFamily.com this past week. It centers around the topic of sibling rivalry, and the effect divorce can have. I don't think we pay close enough attention to this area of concern for our children. I've re-posted my article here to share with you all, and welcome your thoughts, comments and your own experiences with sibling rivalry and divorce.

We all know that our children will most likely experience some level of sibling rivalry during their childhood.  Can you create an environment, and solutions at home that will positively support your children as they face potential sibling rivalry?

Here are some tips that will help you assist your children.

Family life as a co-parent:
Creating a supportive environment for your children as a divorced parent can be a challenge, especially if you are co-parenting with an ex-spouse who is not cooperative or supportive.  Keep doing your best to create a supportive, happy home life for your children. Your home is their peaceful place after busy school days, outside responsibilities, extracurricular activities. By the time your children are in their middle childhood years they will be spending significantly less time with you at home. However, you continue to be a major influence in their lives. They see you as the one who provides them with constant assistance, advice and unconditional support. Keep being there for them!

Sibling rivalry and co-parenting:
Siblings have a big influence on children during their middle childhood years. Their influence can be good, or it can be bad. Brothers and sisters can be a source of real strife, or great support, companionship and friendship.  Work with your ex-spouse, and agree on positive ways to create a consistent, supportive environment for your children, if possible. Consider setting up a mutual behavior contract that includes fair consequences for any negative sibling rivalry, and positive reinforcement for good behavior you observe between siblings.

Reasons for sibling rivalry between our children:
Sibling rivalry can occur in any home. Siblings can quarrel and compete with each other, and fight for attention from you as their parent. It can be most intense when your children are similar in age. Middle childhood aged children may not be able to self-regulate, or control their emotions very well yet. Be aware that as parents we can intensify their sibling rivalry by being perceived as favoring one child over the other. Do your best to be fair to each of your children; they notice everything!

Setting up a behavior contract for your children:
Set up a behavior contract for your children to follow which includes fair consequences for  negative behavior or sibling rivalry, and positive reinforcement for good behavior. Setting it up with your ex-spouse would be ideal, but may not be possible. Choose two or three clear rules for your children to follow. I would suggest sitting down with your children to choose the rules and consequences together. They should have a voice, and be involved in this important process.

Children love to have structure in their lives. This contract should include consistent consequences for their behavior as a family member.  Follow through with the consequences consistently for the sake of your children. Your home will become a more peaceful place.

Trying your best to be a divorced, single, co-parent is not easy. In many cases you are carrying the responsibility of two parents by yourself. Be aware that your children may be experiencing sibling rivalry. Creating a positive home environment for them should be the highest priority. One way to ensure maintaining peace in your home is to create a realistic behavior contract for your children to follow. As you consistently follow through with the consequences you all agreed to, your home will become your family's peaceful place. You will observe an increase in mutual respect between your children. Remember, someday they will thank you!

Co-Parenting: It Does Not End at 18......

This week's topic is one I am passionate about....

Co-parenting, family and child advocacy work within the realm of families of divorce is a passion of mine. I continue to write weekly or bi-monthly articles for HopeAfterDivorce.org, LAFamily.com, and two additional in the near future, focusing on these topics.  

Please check out our website, www.hopeafterdivorce.org for all the resources you need. You can find many of my own articles throughout, as well.

Communicating and sharing knowledge, background experiences and our own opinions of how to peacefully co-parent with one another is critical when it comes to giving our children a chance to grow up with as much security, positive structure and support at home with both parents. We can learn so much from one another.

I will always remind parents that children need both their father and their mother, unless circumstances are unhealthy and unsafe.

This week I am sharing an article I had published in LAFamily.com called, "CoParenting: It Does Not End at 18..."  Our children will always hope for us, as co-parents, to come together for special moments in their lives, no matter their age. My oldest son, who is 25, reminded me of this reality. I dedicated this article to him....he has always been wise beyond his years..

I welcome your comments and thoughts.

 

Co-Parenting: It Does Not End at 18…..

I was going to write on a different topic this week…that is until my oldest son shared something universally true. I quickly shifted gears so I could share this "teaching moment" provided by my own adult child. It is a good reminder for all parents, divorced or not, to listen to your children's voices. Many times they are wise beyond their years. As my oldest child reminded me in a kind way, co-parenting does not end when our children turn 18; just ask them.

Here are some helpful tips to continue co-parenting as your children become adults.

Co-parenting doesn't end when our children turn 18:

Co-parenting become easier when our youngest children are over the age of 18. However, it is a myth to believe that co-parenting stops then. Quite the contrary with our children's college needs, choosing their field of study, making important decisions as they step into the work force full time, dating and marriage, then come grandchildren, and all the special events that will continue to take place. It is necessary for you to accept the fact that co-parenting does not end, ever. Your role as parent, including co-parent, continues on in a less intense manner, but it does go on....forever!

Letting go for the sake of our adult children:

In a perfect world many would choose not to communicate with ex-spouses when it comes to co-parenting once our children turn 18.  It can be painful  to see, or talk to ex-spouses when there have been feelings of hurt, betrayal, sadness and loss. This is not a perfect world, so we need to find healthy ways of working through our emotions to be able to let go of the past. It is much easier said than done. Nonetheless, once we choose to heal and let go, we are able to able to work together as co-parents without the negative feelings surfacing every time an event or situation that brings us together occurs.

My co-parenting days are not over:

I was reminded this evening that my own co-parenting days are not over, even though my children are young adults. When they were in high school I remember thinking how nice it would be for them and us, as co-parents, if we did not have to worry about visitation, or balancing out the equal time our children spend with us during holidays and summer vacation. It was difficult and impossible to please everyone, especially during their high school years. High school aged children should have a voice to plan their visitation throughout the year due to their own busy schedules. They have commitments required to fulfill their own goals, they are actively involved in their school's extracurricular activities, they are developing their talents in preparation for opportunities in college. We as co-parents need to listen to our children's voices more, especially when they are in high school.

Hearing our adult children:

I presented an upcoming family event to my oldest son. It will require spending some time altogether with my children and their Dad. My oldest son said something so profound, yet simple, which was, "We kids still want to see you and Dad together at things." Key word was "together,' did you catch that? My son's simple words touched my heart and opened my eyes. He reminded me of how important it is for us, as co-parents, to keep working together for our children's sake even after they turn 18.  They still want to see us "together" at their special events. It woke me up to the important role I still play in working peacefully as a co-parent for my children's sake. Our adult children still have the desire to see us "united together" at special events in their lives. Continuing on to be the best co-parent we can be, no matter our children's ages, should be our goal for the sake of our children and for our own peace of mind, as well.

In conclusion, we may have thought that co-parenting ended once our children turned 18. False, it is a definite myth! Our adult children still need us to rally behind them, cheer them on and be peaceful co-parents in a supportive role as they continue on with their own lives. It is up to us to be their supportive and peaceful co-parent for life. Let's listen to our adult children when they share their desire for us to be "united together" at special events. I hope you will choose to be there for them. Be the best co-parent YOU can be for your children's sake and for your sake, too! They will thank you someday!