The teenage years with my own two sons were really enjoyable, now cherished memories. Many parents told me to hold on and get ready for the challenging teenage years. Those years never came with my boys. I loved every minute of raising them. However, I had a different kind of challenge called co-parenting.
I became a single, divorcing (key word, divorcing) mother at the fairly young age of 36. I found myself co-parenting my boys who had just turned 6 and 10. I made a promise to myself and to God that I would put my heart and soul into raising, teaching and guiding my sons to adulthood. They were my number one priority, and number one responsibility in my life. I never lost sight of this.
Now my sons are both raised, off on their own. One has graduated from college, and is preparing for graduate school. My youngest is serving a mission for our church, and will continue his education when he returns. I am happy to say that my commitment and efforts to do my best as their mother and as a co-parent were well worth it.
Here are some tips to help with your summer co-parenting plans. I know how challenging and emotional it can be to work out visitation plans. Hopefully many of you are able to work them out peacefully with your ex-spouses, but there are many who are not so fortunate.
1. Give your teenagers a voice in what their summer plans will look like. What are their own plans for summer, do they have scout camp, dance camp, team sports, etc?
2. Sit down one-on-one to decide what is best for them. It is not about you, it is about your teenagers. Have them write out what their commitments and goals are for the summer. Listen to and offer your supportive input. Do your best, along with your ex-spouse, to work around your teenager's individual commitments.
3. Talk with your ex-spouse about your teenagers summer commitments if you can amicably. Encourage your ex-spouse to come and participate in cheering your teenagers on with those commitments. It may be a scout camping trip your ex-spouse could possibly chaperone with your son, or coming to cheer your teenagers on in dance competitions or all-star baseball games, for example.
4. Begin to encourage your teenager to use his or her voice directly with your ex-spouse. It is very important for your own child's self-confidence and self-worth to speak directly to both of you parents. It may take some time for your ex-spouse to adjust to your teenager directly planning visitation, but it will increase respect between the two of them. Their relationship will improve, setting the tone for a long-lasting, healthy relationship in the future.
5. You, as the custodial parent, will have the role of being supportive to both your teenager and your ex-spouse as they work out their plans. If your ex-spouse attempts to bring you into the decision-making process, you simply remind him or her that you are there to offer support and cheer them both on in making their plans together. After a few times of responding in this peaceful, supportive manner, your ex-spouse will not feel the need to reach out to you for assistance.
6. Remind your teenager that you are there to be a support in their ability to make visitation plans with your ex-spouse. This will build confidence in your child's ability to do so. You are there to be the main support, to reinforce the importance of your teenager's voice with both you and your ex-spouse as plans are made, be it summertime plans, holidays, weekends, etc.
I implemented these tips with my sons, as well. It turned out to be the best thing I could have done for them, their Dad and me as a co-parenting family. I encouraged my sons to share their own voices with their Dad, cheering them on to make their plans together with him. It strengthened their relationship with their Dad, and increased the amount of respect they now have for themselves and one another.
I encourage you, as co-parents, to stay close to your teenagers, cheer them on, and help them use their voices when planning visitation including summertime plans, weekends, holidays, etc. Show your teenagers that they matter.
Mutual respect for both teenagers and their parents is critical for a healthy, long-term relationship to be built.
THIS aspect of the divorce process is such a major challenge! Getting past your own resentments and anger to play fair as a co-parent is a HUGE hurdle. Cooler heads MUST prevail for the sake of the children even when they are no longer children, as mine are. Even kids in their 20s still need to be co-parented. It's not fair to pass the emotional and legal struggles of the parents on to the kids. Peace, Pat
ReplyDeleteThat’s the word. Encouragement. I would summarize this by saying how important it is for parents and children to always be open with each other. Honesty is a ‘must-have’ and must be kept sacred. It is best to support everyone’s decisions, and choices to maintain affection and good relationship in the family.
ReplyDeleteDarcy Nimmons
That’s the word. Encouragement. I would summarize this by saying how important it is for parents and children to always be open with each other. Honesty is a ‘must-have’ and must be kept sacred. It is best to support everyone’s decisions, and choices to maintain affection and good relationship in the family.
ReplyDeleteDarcy Nimmons
Thank you Pat and Darcy for your comments. You both have such wise insight and personal experience to draw from. It is very difficult to come to a place where you can be "business-like" about your relationship with your ex-spouse in terms of co-parenting.
ReplyDeleteEncouragement along the way is key, that is for sure. It will get better as you form this new, healthy habit, of being "business-like" with your co-parenting. It will be a life-saver for you and your children.